YOU MUST AKSSS!

We all have definitions of witchcraft. We can all agree when we talk about witchcraft, we are referencing evil. Can we talk about the toes of satan that creep out of wood works and make themselves front and centre of our lives unannounced? It was #NationalBoyfriendDay on Thursday. I saw a bit of boyfriend and husband appreciation – adorable stuff. There is hope for all of us yet. Some boyfriends were mopping because dololo recognition on that day. This had them questioning if they are in real thing. Short answer is may be your people are protecting your relationships - shine in the corner where you are. I digress. There are these ones who send messages expressing how upset they are and how single they thought we were when we post our people. Witchcraft!

Le demona, will be the one who says “…we should go for coffee sometime” and some time is never days. They disappear for months and reappear in your DMs to talk about their hardships. This type of demon has no qualms talking to you about the girl they loved who wanted too much or broke their heart. They like to waste your time and data with whining sessions forcing you to play therapist. Next thing they disappear to the darkness of hell that is their hearts. You are left asking yourself whether you have a soft spot for them or you enjoy being taken for a poes.

Then there is the ex…more like a why (Insert eye roll). This one thinks you spend all of your life waiting for their return … in which country guys? Talking about “…we get it you are happy but you don’t have to rub it in our faces. I can’t believe you’ve moved on just like that!” Hayi bo wenja! If there were application to filled out for a never to be repeated experience, yours would be top of the pile. This one will recruit friend to tell you how much the picture on #NationalBoyfriendDay got them gutted. He threads a WhatsApp story of songs in response to your boyfriend post.

Boloi fela!

Then there is the crush. He’ll comment with flames on your picture with just you. He will send a “must be nice.” on the picture with mans. This one never asks you out when you are single but will send antagonising messages once you show signs of coupling. Evil one is the cause of your anxiety before you put up the picture with your person because somewhere at the back of your mind you hope they make the move. The “must be nice” cuts and you feel like saying “this could be us” but you enjoy being the foreground from hell.

You’ve been on a few dates with this one. On #NationalBoyfriendDay you post a sunkissed picture of the two of you at the Saturday Market sipping green beverages. This human makes a phone call because “we haven’t spoken about this yet”. He explains that dating is not the same as being in a relationship - getting to know each other. The summons is out for you to talk later. You get on the road to MGOWO! You call all your friends to vent about all these unspoken definitions and how you shouldn’t have bothered. Your mind thinks about the toe of satan that you have centred and now wants to be denounced. You take the boyfriend down picture. You go to his Whatsapp stories and there in blue and white he wrote YOU MUST AAAAKS!