I didn't know who she was. He has told me they had broken up...baby mama. She was no threat to this. I don't feel threatened I just wondered what their co-parenting was like and why he never wanted to speak about why that relationship ended. We spent many days wrapped in each other arms. He didn't like me to have many friends. I was ok with that it helped me to stay focused. This one time he came to pick me up. A lady in the front and instinctively I knew it was her. I was sprung. Frozen in time and my mind swirled with thoughts. I don't want to be rude but I also didn't want to get inside this car. We’d never had a conversation about meeting her. We had spoken of her in the context of his son but never about meeting. What is the meaning? I felt guilty. What for? I wasn’t not sure. She gave me a blank look. I got inside the car and greeted. He tried to make small talk. I simply could not speak. I wondered if she thought I was rude.
We dropped her off at home. She was noticeably pregnant. He got off with her, to see his son I imagined or to get things from his flat. They lived in the same complex; for the child. I’m not sure how long he was gone. I was slightly dizzy trying to phrase questions in my head. I did not want to sound jealous or insecure…even confrontational. I didn’t even want to sound angry; which I was. How could he do that? Not even a text to say he’s coming with her? On top of that he did not bother with an introduction. In that five minute drive I was a none entity, just a person who got a lift. I didn’t want to put it like that though. I hate sounding like a nag.
I moved to the front seat, almost to take up my rightful place. It felt odd. He came out chirpy talking about work and how his son was sulking as he was leaving. He asked if I needed anything before I drove to my place. I said no. Not to needing anything because I needed him to explain to himself. Silence was all I could express. I wanted my bed. I preferred my own space ...though I'd never really been invited to his. Music played. I was having a full on argument with him in my head, about what just happened, about him acting like it didn’t just happen.
We got to my place, he started cooking. I said I wasn’t feeling well. I was coming down with the flu, I said and went straight to bed. I pretended to sleep and cried. He came in an hour later to “wake me up” for supper. I washed my face. My eyes were puffy.
He offer to make me a concoction because “…clearly this flu is serious.”
Was he seriously not going to speak about this? So I gather the courage to ask through the sniffles, trying to sound nonchalant.
“Was that Lethu’s mom?”
He simply nodded. No explanation. I egged on.
“Babe you could have at least told me. Introduced me. I am sure she thinks I am rude.”
“She does. You were. The silence was unnecessary. I really don’t see how you think you can be in my life with that kind of behaviour. Next thing you meet Lethu and you behave the same way.”
Wait! What just happened?
“I didn’t know what to say. You acted as though I was just someone nje!”
“ This conversation is killing my appetite. Let’s talk about something else…” he rebutted “You’ve met her. Just do better next time.”
He changed the conversation and spoke of my birthday. He spoke about may be having it here, joked about being the third and fourth Gauteng case of Corona all because we wanted to go to an Italian restaurant. I was stuck at the blame shift. I was not done talking. At that moment I did not care about my birthday. I wanted to push but I was scared he’d leave and not speak to me for weeks. We needed to get better at disagreements. I always let things go. I could not release this one.
“Bandile, that scenario really made me feel like I was no one to you. What would it have taken …least to text me and prepare me. I had to read between the lies. On top of that you don’t explain. You act like I’m a petulant toddler when I ask questions.”
Bloody tears.
“What would a text have changed? I would have still come with her to pick you up. Her car is being serviced. I offered.”
My lips started moving on their own, my voice broke, why I was still talking “Consideration! Respect! Humanise me! I must always be collected so you don’t get offended and leave. YOU ALWAYS LEAVE WHEN I SHOW ANY EMOTION.”
He picked up his car keys and left.
I cried. I decided this time I would also be silent. I would not text a paragraph explaining. I texted “Stay gone.” I cried and slept. First thought in the morning was him. He hadn’t texted back. I went to work and got lost in conspiracy theories about the Corona Virus from clients and colleagues. My friends at work teased me about moving my birthday up. They promised that a celebration was the perfect cure for a broken heart. I agreed. That evening I went out with them to dinner, I was relieved I wouldn’t have to explain where I was going and with who. Bandile can be very controlling. Too many champagne bottles, many hugs and a breakup debrief later I Ubered home. He was parked outside waiting in his car. I pretended not to see him. I got into my flat and showered. No text or call from him. I peeked out. He was still parked there. I felt a slight wash of anxiety and fear. I decided to go to bed. I must have fallen asleep because I woke up to aloud banging on my door.
It was Bandile. My stomach knotted. I was afraid, I’m not sure why? I unlocked the door and it hit me in the face and I was jolted. When I pick up my head to look at Bandile, I felt blistering shock of pain in my ear from his slap. I started to scream the punch on my stomach pushed the air out of
my lung. I fell in pain. I kept thinking “this is a horrible dream I need to find a way to wake up.” I could hear a series of accusations but I kept searching for his face…to meet his gaze. I hoped that if I could look into my eyes and he would remember it’s me and he would stop. I ran to the kitchen. I reached for a knife in the drawer and I came out with a butcher knife. He stopped and leaned on the counter. He was drunk and his eyes were slant and full of anger.
He hissed at me, “At the slight site of problems you go whoring with your kak friends. Imagine if I’d left Lethu’s mom for you. What a fucking joke. Whooore!!”
I could feel a rise of anger. She was pregnant. It was his. I was just a distraction. I waved the knife at him. He kept coming at me. He seemed certain that wouldn’t cut him. He charged again. I aimed for the chest. He ducked and turned. Blood came shooting out his neck. My feet wet. Eventually stuck in his blood. I called my sister. I cannot remember what I said. He wasn’t breathing. Sirens.
Comentarios