“And I hear your words that I made up. You say my name like there could be an us. I best tidy up my head I’m the only one in love.” Please tell me I am not the only one who has turned themselves into a clown because they convinced themselves they were in love. Then proceeded to vilify the subject of your affection for not reciprocating…in the way you want. The poor bastard also has no clue of the mountains and mole hills you are climbing quietly without a word. You read their behaviour according to your mood. Even texts are open to interpretation depending on which insecurity button it presses. Staaap it!
We send out these cute floral messages “be kind to yourself” to everyone, every other morning when we are feeling very vulnerable. I put up beautiful messages of self-care when actually I am expecting it from other people. It’s a level of self-mutilation I am guilty of to be honest. I sit there and hope that if I am quiet long enough whoever I am talking to in that moment will reach out and drown me in the amount of affection that is enough for my self-doubt to disappear. When they don’t, I take the biggest stick and beat myself up for expecting anyone to care for me. Self-love I have no problem with. When I am a bit down and needy, believing other people see how amazing I am is when I struggle.
It’s the lies that you tell yourself that catch you straight from sleep at 2am. “Argh! Mandla is so amazing. You know he surprised me with a breakfast date. Guys I think I like ths one.” Hayi bo sis the lies! That time this person barely speaks with you and that morning breakfast was after all of your nagging. Why are you lying though? Sigh. “I am lying because at some level I don’t believe anyone will ever do that for me. This faceless person can be the stand in for my extended imagination.” Worse, at that orchestrated breakfast you don’t talk about what you want, you pass the phone for him to take cute pictures of you and keep it moving. Heee …hi clownville!
Don’t do it honey child! I know, you were told to been seen not heard but its time you ask for what you want because no human being has “thought broadcast” alas. Not you not me. Everybody sees through the imaginary love stories. Adele is singing from your head babes! All this pretending and forgiving things no one apologised for leaves you bitter. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy really. Let’s be adults, who ask for what we want as a form of self-care. Siz’ funa zonke! I am talking to you…to me. Otherwise it’s a MESS TBH(to be honest).
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