I have decided to start dating again. Even my intestines are doing a roll because I have said this so many time in the past four years. I even know what I am looking forward to in a relationship. This too I have known for a long time. I have with the greatest amount of anxiety entered the streets of online dating because in person I get less hits. I don’t have to tell you how many unsolicited d* pics you are likely to get just because you swiped right. There’s just as many thirst traps and there are thirsty people. I too am a thirsty person. I have a healthy sense of confidence but being back out here leaves me feeling intensely vulnerable. Y’all are hard on people that are not kind your of pretty, not your kind of sexy or your kind of smart.
In this cold breeze of being out there, I look at the kinds of profiles that are out there and I quickly realise that nothing is going to allay my anxiety. I am a thirty six year old woman with two children. These two humans are from different fathers. The amount of questions about the ‘allsorts’ children is exhausting. I am fat- not the hour glass kind too. The muffin top kind that has memes passed around and everybody has a good laugh. I wear my hair very short, though sometimes I can be spotted with a head full of curls…that hair is mine too, I bought it. I pack a hard punch of sarcasm and laugh really loud. I have heard enough messaging to know that this kind of woman is not what you look for. Sigh. Rejection sucks. The thought of going on a potential date with someone who likes my face and my mind but will ghost me as soon as they meet me leaves me so shook.
I am no walk in the park either. I have my own tendencies, if you’re not judgy you will help me process. On the very rare occasion a person does in fact ask me out I’ll go on the first date and then upon my return I will over think. With a fine tooth comb I will go through the conversations we’ve had online. I will try and remember as much of the time spent together. I will proceed to have an intense conversation with myself about how this could never work. Let me tell you; the personalities in my head can tear a relationship that has even started into shreds. They then conjure that person into the joint sitting of my mind and let them down gently. This could take five minutes. A relationship ends before it even begins. Cry with me. I then get super sad about being single.
You just like my intestines are probably rolling your eyes because – am I ready to date or nah? The short answer is yes and I am scared. I have done some significant internal work since the last time I relationshipped. I am a much better human being for it. I am afraid that there are no guarantees. Each ones journey of finding a companion is unique. In a world where people are constantly talking 4IR there are still no algorithms to help narrow things done. How hard can it be to find a kind, consistent, smart, loving, thoughtful, grounded human. Mabenas the whole lot. I will say this though- I look forward to tipsy kisses until the break of dawn, theatre and dinner, spark a blunt and let’s read, even stay in bed naked and talk sh*t the entire day moment. Get some popcorn, its coming soon.
People must let us know what must to happen or not happen also before "The talk" fok! ! Imagine...
My whole being went into this read with so much anxiety and excitement. The bravery to speak your heart out so openly is just amazing. May love, light, happiness and tipsy kisses find you and stay with you forever and ever.